What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 10:27
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is soul school!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why are American university students fine with sharing a room?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I write beautiful poetry .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was seconnd youngest,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When sharing a wife, is it best with your buddy or a stranger?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I don,t even have a pension.
Why do people stay in cults after they have joined?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Put me off passion for life!!
Do very hot men ever feel attracted to an ugly woman? Why?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Is Matt Gaetz qualified to be Attorney General of the United States?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
What toxic behavior has been normalized by society?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was 9 years of age.
He knew the spot.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I have no regrets .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It was going to be , some day.
I waited trembling.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But ive been too sick for many years..
She loved him until the end.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I said to her
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So, i spoilt her more .
One cannot live in the past .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My family never makes their pension either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was scared of men, in general
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was in good health!
But, we were locked up after school.
She married twice! .
So whats the point in blame.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were not on the streets..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i do to all so called friends.?
All the time i was locked up.
When she asked me how she looked .
Who then, do I blame.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My life is so biszare .
I was very sick at this time too.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We all went to grammer schools
What did i know ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I will be 64.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I couldn’t, believe it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Would this be the day?
Ive learnt so much.
She found it foreign!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And i lived it daily.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im still living with it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it wasn’t much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Especially a lifetime of it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Comes on , in middle age.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I think the readers, may guess!